Sorrowful Father
Tuesday, September 24 | 0 comments
You are the UNICA HIJA.
The only next female Tamondong in my Father's Side.
I was raised as a spoiled daughter, whatever Diane wants, Diane gets.
But I am no spoiled at all, I only need care and protection.
I never told my father the line "I want that" nor "I want this".
But one line I have told him, that made him regret for doing the favor. It was 2018 back then.
I had a chit chat with my mother, it was breakfast
I saw my mother's tears, trying to stop from falling on her cheeks.
Then she asked me, patiently and in grieve, "How are you?"
I was so afraid that she might be angry and give me a sermon.
But no, she wasn't.. She asked me if I am doing great.
I want to cry, I want to release all the pain I have suffered for 8 months.
My heart wants to shout that I am not okay, I have been beaten and I have been cursed.
"I'm okay, we're okay", that's what I told her with pain and depression.
I lied to her for a million times, and that was the worst lie.
Her eyes turned red but still, trying to stop her tears from falling.
Then she asked me again, she asked the same question while her voice was shaking.
For the second time, I told her the same answer...
I was thinking if I tell her the truth, I have passed the burden to her shoulders.
Which I don't want to make her suffer more, I endured the pain. No she won't be the next.
She then told me that there must no 3rd time arguing that issue with my father.
You wanna know why?.. Well because, my father already got his gun in the house this time.
And my mother didn't want to reach the point where my father would trigger that.
For the first time, my father cried because of me.
He was so disappointed and upset, and yes, SOOOO disappointed.
He took care of me for 26 years, he protected me from shits.
He gave everything I need, he taught me good deeds and how to be strong.
He did all that for me, just to be mistreated by my husband.
Yes, he did cry because he was so disappointed by accepting my favor.
My favor to accept and grant the marriage for you, Jayson.
But you failed him, all his pain and sacrifices just to make us happy and healthy.
YOU FAILED HIM TO BE PROUD THAT HE CHOSE THE RIGHT DECISION.
He saw you how you treat me, you showed him that I must follow your demands.
He heard you shouting at me because of that stupid Mobile Legends Game.
He noticed my swollen eyes the morning when you got mad at me last night.
And NO, he didn't say anything, he didn't confronted me nor you.
But he was in pain, realizing if am I really in the good hands after everything he sacrificed.
I was his UNICA HIJA. The precious diamond you stole from him.
And it was so hard for him that he might even asked this to himself for you,
Do you want your daughter suffer the same way how you treat my daughter?
After all those years of sacrifices and pain you have through for your daughter,
And he will just crash your daughter's character in less than a year.
He cried not because of you, not because of me, nor because of what you did.
He cried because he chose to believe in me and do the favor I asked him.
Because he believed in my words that you are worthy enough to fight for.
I am in so much pain and depress, that I almost thought I might suffer from mental illness.
Because of too much endurance and martyrdom, I can't even release it from me.
But all of this was just a pinch of pain to my father.
He is more in pain than I have, and I'm sorry dad, I failed you..
I wish we could go back when I was 8 years old, you holding me, buying a cotton candy.
Combing my messy hair, massaging my candle fingers, telling fairy-tale stories.
Walk with you along the beach, where sunsets seem within reach,
Searching for treasures in the sand, as we walk hand in hand..
I love you so much Papa, I hope you still know that..
Scathed Soul
Thursday, August 15 | 0 comments
"SCATHED SOUL"
How are you today, Diane?
Want Ice Cream? Pizza? Shawarma? Or Fries?
Or do you want a hug?
Those are some of my questions to my crying soul.
Are you happy? Right now? Are you happy to be YOU?
I know I've changed a lot, after my simple wedding.
You know I could cancel that, I could actually end everything before that..
And I'm thinking, who am I now if I ended it?
Am I happier then, than I am now? Or otherwise?
You see.. I've cried many times before I slept.
I've privately posted my saddest thoughts and feelings in my FB account,
Because I have no friends I could talk to.. That I could open up to.. Why is that?
I have many friends from highschool and college, including workmates.
We have shared passwords in our FB accounts and cellphones.
Now you know why? Do you know the answer already?..
He does know if I am telling my situation to someone.
And he doesn't like it, it will just make the bad situation worse. BELIEVE ME.
Been there, done that. Same for my brother, I am not allow to have a conversation with them.
Yeah.. When I was with my family, I have curfews and limited travels with my friends.
But today, it's even worst.. I thought married life will save me from that.
Well, what are my dreams in a married life?
Happy travels, funny moments, memorable occasions.
Silly household chores, have some cute kids.
...(Silence)...
Me? Hmmm.. I have imagined of receiving such lovely long poems.
Last time I've received a lovely long poem was on my wedding day, 8 months ago.
I have dreamt of him, whispering those sweet words in my ears every morning.
"Wala kang kwentang asawa" was the last words he said to me today.
And I always hear that from YOU. From the guy I was once loved.
A typical woman loves to hear "You're very pretty" from a guy he loves.
You told me I am "Kadiri".
Woman loves when you say "You're so adorable", for your information..
You're a lucky girl if he said that. Mine just told me I'm "Malandi".
He never missed a day telling me he was so blessed to have me, before we got married.
And now, I hate to think I am the reason why he's life is miserable.
Woman loves when she knows that she's the only reason why you smile, dude.
Me? Well, I am the reason why he's angry everyday. And it sucks.
You'll just see him smile because of something else, or someone else..
I have built myself for years, I became stronger and braver.
I never cried again after my 2nd relationship.
I was happy, I was jolly, and I was self-content.
And you came, Neil.
And these healed wounds bled.
You were once a sweet guy, motivated and thoughtful.
So is the opposite of your real attitude.
You were once the light in my darkest world.
But it really never happened.
I was once said a MARTYR.
I guess this worth of mine just devoured by that.
And a scathed soul will forever remain inside me.
Because a guy like you whom I'll live forever,
Is like living in a prison for the rest of my life.
Milieu
"MILIEU"
When life becames bittersweet, you get confuse
Things don't fall together the way you want it to be,
But it gets easier when things that are meant for you fall into place.
Your crying soul desires serenity, but your problems say no.
Your suffering heart shouting its pain but no one hears it scream.
When you learn how to wait because destined moments take time,
In right people and in right place.
Nothing is easy to handle nor permanent
And you'll feel that God won't make everything easy for you.
Our timeline doesn't have to align with someone you expect to be with,
Nor control by someone else, it is then when you realize, no one else can help you.
No one else can decide for you, nor can feel exactly the pain that burns you.
Because in the end, it's your milieu and is yours alone.
Moon of my Life
Wednesday, November 8 | 0 comments
"THE MOON OF MY LIFE"
September 06, 2017; Full Moon
The night when the moon shines so bright, the sky covers its surrounding, and the moonlight brightens the dark peaceful ground.
I went to terrace, and found myself talking to the moon. I was so attracted that I'd started staring at it.. Isn't she wonderful? Moon shines because of her husband, Sun. Moon that brightens our darkest hours.
Well in fact, it started all that night. I deeply stared at the moon and say, "Is the moon of my life looking at you right now? Or is he sleeping right now? Or maybe, he's eating dinner right now and laugh.. Well, food is life! Then I asked when will he find me? When will I meet him?..
September 07, 2017
SIAD. Then this day started answering the questions in my mind last night. NO, just kidding, it's too early haha!.. Well, someone approached and asked me, if I'm the one will assist in the registration area, and I said yes I am. Then this guy started making me curious. Did he sensed that I'm an IT/Computer Consultant. Well he made me interested in him when I found out that he's not just an IT haha! Things became weirder when he gave me food and asked my number.. Soon, everything became more interesting..
Same interests, habits, and it's like we have a mutual understanding for so long, it's like we already know each other for years, as if our souls are linked, our minds are synced and our hearts are one. Then one day, 30th of September, he confessed his love, as his name calls mine. I got to know him more, from single information to difficult situation with him, his tantrums, his flaws, and his history. Until I realized he's the one for me. Is he the one? Well the confusing part is his last name, "De Luna", is he the one I asked when it was full moon?
October 28, 2017
The day when he first gave me a precious gift, a silver moon necklace. It was when we had our lunch at Jam Sweet Jam, then played bowling and watched Bad Genius. Everything was like a perfect dream, a dream that I wished for, being with someone I am happy with. This day was the day we became one, the day I said "Yes".
And now, I've finally found him, the one I will love and cherish. The one I will be with forever, the one I share my life with, the one I build my home with, and I pray he's the one I die with. I am so blessed we found each other at the right time.
Love is a Choice
"SHMILY"
October 24, the date when the colors in life danced with me. The day when my prayers were answered after the struggles that came through my way. Yes, I found him, I found the love of my life, I felt the perfection in life. I have no wish anymore after that, because every single day I thank God He gave me the guy who loved me, the guy who can take care of me than before, the guy who completes me, the guy who supports me, the guy who treats me like a princess, like his Queen, like his half..
I always say Good Morning to him because every morning is another day to love him, to thank him, to cherish him, to make him happy..
I always say "Lunch na tayo" because I want him healthy, I know that work is important to him but some days he couldn't have his lunch because he's too busy at work and sometimes he doesn't like the food.
I always say Good Night because I want him to sleep well without any doubts nor worries, I want him to feel he's special before he goes to sleep. I always thank him also as possible that I could everytime he exerts effort. And I never missed my Goodnight messages without "I love you more", because I want him to know that I love him so much and not because in the past, past is past and it will stay a past and I will not let my past ruin my future..
I know this is tough, I know moving on takes time to heal. I know that he still misses her at some time even though he doesn't tell me, because I know I cannot beat 8 years, I know that.. But because I love him, I accepted it until I confronted him about it..
June 02 2014, same week last year when he left me.. Who would probably forget the time when you lost your love? It's already one year when my life starts fading, the colors in my life starts to gray, the most painful I've encountered.. Being compared. I still remember those days, it was remarkable. Then he came back, yes, it was my birthday. I'm so happy because he came back, because he loved me again. But those days I already felt that he still doesn't forget her. I didn't tell him because I know it's true. And now, it did happened again.. I started to hate myself, why does my love always leave me?..
I let him go, it hurts yes but I must let him. I can't stop crying even in my office, I just really can't.. I always pray for his happiness, I hope he finds his way, his real happiness, the Prince I know, his real him and I'll be okay on that. They say everything is not permanent, you just have to love it no matter what, take care of it, fight for it and accept it so that it will be yours, forever.. But..
I guess it will be the end of us, he didn't chose me. Yes, "Love is a choice", and then I realized.. He didn't chose me the 3rd time..
A fear of Lies
"LIES."
I've never thought of having such an unforgettable moment this Sunday. I woke up in the morning, 9:23am. I was very happy to greet my boyfriend in a simple text. That day, I know it's Mr. and Ms. Sportsfest of MRH and LRH but I'm expecting that we will be having a great time in SM even though they have an event in school. But, it didn't happened...
It's already 10:53am when I texted him again to woke up. After 7 minutes of waiting, he replied and greeted me a good morning. He also invited me to go to the sportsfest, I have no choice but to say yes not because It's automatic that I must go, but because I want to be with him. So I asked him if he's already preparing because I know that sportfest is 7:30am up to lunch time only. He said that he is already preparing and ready to have a bath. So I've started to heat my water and give him time to prepare because I know that he's too slow and probably I'll wait him again in front of their dorm. Honestly, It only took me less than 20 minutes in the bathroom because I know that we only have less than an hour to go to the sportsfest. After a while, he texted me that the sportsfest is almost done. But after I read his message, I've realized that for the first time he only took 20 minutes to prepare. So I asked him where he was, he replied that he's already in the venue with his friends. I was SHOCKED.
I replied him because it's really impossible to have 20 minutes to have a shower, wear clothes and go quickly to the venue. Even though I'm telling to myself that "Be Optimistic!", I can't answer my question HOW IT HAPPENED...?
Then I started to ask him so many questions already to figure it out. But sadly, he misunderstood me.. (as always, everytime I asked him). So I grabbed the mistakes, and I tried to understand him. But suddenly, he told me the truth... He's already done preparing everything before he greeted me a good morning, and for that 20 minutes that I'm thinking about, he went to the sportsfest already. It's really hard for me to accept it. I don't want him to know my feelings, because I know in the end, my feelings are useless.. my tears.. my effort.. and my expectations...
A feeling of Unlucky..
Thursday, November 24 | 0 comments
"Pain between me and my brother"
It was 7:30pm when we went to Mcdo to have our dinner, it was so cold and dark outside the house. While walking to go home, my brother told me about his allowance that it must be P8k because I didn't gave his P500 this month (for the reason that, I forgot that our rental was increased by P1,500.00 so I decided to get 500 from his allowance, my allowance and our budget for grocery). I told him that before and he didn't react so I thought he agreed about my decision. Then after telling me about the 8k, I asked him if he don't want to donate his 500 to the rental. He replied, "No! It's your fault... You forgot it so don't get my money". I didn't replied him...
When we got home, he keeps talking and talking that it's all my fault. I was too disappointed because I know that I told him about that before and he didn't disagreed, so I kept singing and pretending that I don't listen to him. Then he totally got mad, he slapped me, he punched me, and he slapped me over and over again. Until he stopped and say something against me, he also started to shout. He told me that, "I'll tell mom that you spend all our money without listing it and without my permission, I'll also tell mom that you are flirty and you also slept with someone! Next month, give me all the money and I'll do what is right, not like you! If I'm the one who's in charge with that money, maybe we already have too much money right now! oh? why you're not answering me?!". I want to cry that time, but I must not.. So I answered him, "I have no time to argue with you...", then he keeps on yelling at me.
I was thinking that time that, am I lucky to have a brother like him? or will I be a good wife in my future husband if I kept his advice? Because next year, I'll be a graduating student. Thinking that, my brother is more mature than what I am right now. I remembered that when we were in Saudi Arabia, my brother is brutal than what I did to him. He's punching me, slapping me, pulling my hair too hard. Even though I'm already crying in front of him, he's still not satisfied of what he was doing. I almost got 3-5 bruises in all of my body, he's also punching me near my breast, wishing that there's no "breast cancer" soon... I feel sorry for myself having those experience. And I don't know whom I can cry on, lean on, and tell them that I'm so hopeless in my life, especially when me and boyfriend having a quarrel.
I'll just thank God for having me a 3 meals a day. =\
2nd Post
Saturday, November 19 | 0 comments
I'm 80% done in my page.!
I hope that this would be my last blog with full of memories..
gonna start my blog tomorrow! :D
<< Older /
Dany
I'm Diane, born in Dagupan City Pangasinan, Philippines on July 18, 1992.
I grew up in Saudi Arabia for more than 8 years.
Graduated in Saint Louis University Baguio with a degree of BS Computer Science.
I describe myself as a designer, an analyst, a gamer, a singer and a layout artist.
Food is Life!.
Sorrowful Father
Tuesday, September 24 | 0 comments
You are the UNICA HIJA.
The only next female Tamondong in my Father's Side.
I was raised as a spoiled daughter, whatever Diane wants, Diane gets.
But I am no spoiled at all, I only need care and protection.
I never told my father the line "I want that" nor "I want this".
But one line I have told him, that made him regret for doing the favor. It was 2018 back then.
I had a chit chat with my mother, it was breakfast
I saw my mother's tears, trying to stop from falling on her cheeks.
Then she asked me, patiently and in grieve, "How are you?"
I was so afraid that she might be angry and give me a sermon.
But no, she wasn't.. She asked me if I am doing great.
I want to cry, I want to release all the pain I have suffered for 8 months.
My heart wants to shout that I am not okay, I have been beaten and I have been cursed.
"I'm okay, we're okay", that's what I told her with pain and depression.
I lied to her for a million times, and that was the worst lie.
Her eyes turned red but still, trying to stop her tears from falling.
Then she asked me again, she asked the same question while her voice was shaking.
For the second time, I told her the same answer...
I was thinking if I tell her the truth, I have passed the burden to her shoulders.
Which I don't want to make her suffer more, I endured the pain. No she won't be the next.
She then told me that there must no 3rd time arguing that issue with my father.
You wanna know why?.. Well because, my father already got his gun in the house this time.
And my mother didn't want to reach the point where my father would trigger that.
For the first time, my father cried because of me.
He was so disappointed and upset, and yes, SOOOO disappointed.
He took care of me for 26 years, he protected me from shits.
He gave everything I need, he taught me good deeds and how to be strong.
He did all that for me, just to be mistreated by my husband.
Yes, he did cry because he was so disappointed by accepting my favor.
My favor to accept and grant the marriage for you, Jayson.
But you failed him, all his pain and sacrifices just to make us happy and healthy.
YOU FAILED HIM TO BE PROUD THAT HE CHOSE THE RIGHT DECISION.
He saw you how you treat me, you showed him that I must follow your demands.
He heard you shouting at me because of that stupid Mobile Legends Game.
He noticed my swollen eyes the morning when you got mad at me last night.
And NO, he didn't say anything, he didn't confronted me nor you.
But he was in pain, realizing if am I really in the good hands after everything he sacrificed.
I was his UNICA HIJA. The precious diamond you stole from him.
And it was so hard for him that he might even asked this to himself for you,
Do you want your daughter suffer the same way how you treat my daughter?
After all those years of sacrifices and pain you have through for your daughter,
And he will just crash your daughter's character in less than a year.
He cried not because of you, not because of me, nor because of what you did.
He cried because he chose to believe in me and do the favor I asked him.
Because he believed in my words that you are worthy enough to fight for.
I am in so much pain and depress, that I almost thought I might suffer from mental illness.
Because of too much endurance and martyrdom, I can't even release it from me.
But all of this was just a pinch of pain to my father.
He is more in pain than I have, and I'm sorry dad, I failed you..
I wish we could go back when I was 8 years old, you holding me, buying a cotton candy.
Combing my messy hair, massaging my candle fingers, telling fairy-tale stories.
Walk with you along the beach, where sunsets seem within reach,
Searching for treasures in the sand, as we walk hand in hand..
I love you so much Papa, I hope you still know that..
Scathed Soul
Thursday, August 15 | 0 comments
"SCATHED SOUL"
How are you today, Diane?
Want Ice Cream? Pizza? Shawarma? Or Fries?
Or do you want a hug?
Those are some of my questions to my crying soul.
Are you happy? Right now? Are you happy to be YOU?
I know I've changed a lot, after my simple wedding.
You know I could cancel that, I could actually end everything before that..
And I'm thinking, who am I now if I ended it?
Am I happier then, than I am now? Or otherwise?
You see.. I've cried many times before I slept.
I've privately posted my saddest thoughts and feelings in my FB account,
Because I have no friends I could talk to.. That I could open up to.. Why is that?
I have many friends from highschool and college, including workmates.
We have shared passwords in our FB accounts and cellphones.
Now you know why? Do you know the answer already?..
He does know if I am telling my situation to someone.
And he doesn't like it, it will just make the bad situation worse. BELIEVE ME.
Been there, done that. Same for my brother, I am not allow to have a conversation with them.
Yeah.. When I was with my family, I have curfews and limited travels with my friends.
But today, it's even worst.. I thought married life will save me from that.
Well, what are my dreams in a married life?
Happy travels, funny moments, memorable occasions.
Silly household chores, have some cute kids.
...(Silence)...
Me? Hmmm.. I have imagined of receiving such lovely long poems.
Last time I've received a lovely long poem was on my wedding day, 8 months ago.
I have dreamt of him, whispering those sweet words in my ears every morning.
"Wala kang kwentang asawa" was the last words he said to me today.
And I always hear that from YOU. From the guy I was once loved.
A typical woman loves to hear "You're very pretty" from a guy he loves.
You told me I am "Kadiri".
Woman loves when you say "You're so adorable", for your information..
You're a lucky girl if he said that. Mine just told me I'm "Malandi".
He never missed a day telling me he was so blessed to have me, before we got married.
And now, I hate to think I am the reason why he's life is miserable.
Woman loves when she knows that she's the only reason why you smile, dude.
Me? Well, I am the reason why he's angry everyday. And it sucks.
You'll just see him smile because of something else, or someone else..
I have built myself for years, I became stronger and braver.
I never cried again after my 2nd relationship.
I was happy, I was jolly, and I was self-content.
And you came, Neil.
And these healed wounds bled.
You were once a sweet guy, motivated and thoughtful.
So is the opposite of your real attitude.
You were once the light in my darkest world.
But it really never happened.
I was once said a MARTYR.
I guess this worth of mine just devoured by that.
And a scathed soul will forever remain inside me.
Because a guy like you whom I'll live forever,
Is like living in a prison for the rest of my life.
Milieu
"MILIEU"
When life becames bittersweet, you get confuse
Things don't fall together the way you want it to be,
But it gets easier when things that are meant for you fall into place.
Your crying soul desires serenity, but your problems say no.
Your suffering heart shouting its pain but no one hears it scream.
When you learn how to wait because destined moments take time,
In right people and in right place.
Nothing is easy to handle nor permanent
And you'll feel that God won't make everything easy for you.
Our timeline doesn't have to align with someone you expect to be with,
Nor control by someone else, it is then when you realize, no one else can help you.
No one else can decide for you, nor can feel exactly the pain that burns you.
Because in the end, it's your milieu and is yours alone.
Moon of my Life
Wednesday, November 8 | 0 comments
"THE MOON OF MY LIFE"
September 06, 2017; Full Moon
The night when the moon shines so bright, the sky covers its surrounding, and the moonlight brightens the dark peaceful ground.
I went to terrace, and found myself talking to the moon. I was so attracted that I'd started staring at it.. Isn't she wonderful? Moon shines because of her husband, Sun. Moon that brightens our darkest hours.
Well in fact, it started all that night. I deeply stared at the moon and say, "Is the moon of my life looking at you right now? Or is he sleeping right now? Or maybe, he's eating dinner right now and laugh.. Well, food is life! Then I asked when will he find me? When will I meet him?..
September 07, 2017
SIAD. Then this day started answering the questions in my mind last night. NO, just kidding, it's too early haha!.. Well, someone approached and asked me, if I'm the one will assist in the registration area, and I said yes I am. Then this guy started making me curious. Did he sensed that I'm an IT/Computer Consultant. Well he made me interested in him when I found out that he's not just an IT haha! Things became weirder when he gave me food and asked my number.. Soon, everything became more interesting..
Same interests, habits, and it's like we have a mutual understanding for so long, it's like we already know each other for years, as if our souls are linked, our minds are synced and our hearts are one. Then one day, 30th of September, he confessed his love, as his name calls mine. I got to know him more, from single information to difficult situation with him, his tantrums, his flaws, and his history. Until I realized he's the one for me. Is he the one? Well the confusing part is his last name, "De Luna", is he the one I asked when it was full moon?
October 28, 2017
The day when he first gave me a precious gift, a silver moon necklace. It was when we had our lunch at Jam Sweet Jam, then played bowling and watched Bad Genius. Everything was like a perfect dream, a dream that I wished for, being with someone I am happy with. This day was the day we became one, the day I said "Yes".
And now, I've finally found him, the one I will love and cherish. The one I will be with forever, the one I share my life with, the one I build my home with, and I pray he's the one I die with. I am so blessed we found each other at the right time.
Love is a Choice
"SHMILY"
October 24, the date when the colors in life danced with me. The day when my prayers were answered after the struggles that came through my way. Yes, I found him, I found the love of my life, I felt the perfection in life. I have no wish anymore after that, because every single day I thank God He gave me the guy who loved me, the guy who can take care of me than before, the guy who completes me, the guy who supports me, the guy who treats me like a princess, like his Queen, like his half..
I always say Good Morning to him because every morning is another day to love him, to thank him, to cherish him, to make him happy..
I always say "Lunch na tayo" because I want him healthy, I know that work is important to him but some days he couldn't have his lunch because he's too busy at work and sometimes he doesn't like the food.
I always say Good Night because I want him to sleep well without any doubts nor worries, I want him to feel he's special before he goes to sleep. I always thank him also as possible that I could everytime he exerts effort. And I never missed my Goodnight messages without "I love you more", because I want him to know that I love him so much and not because in the past, past is past and it will stay a past and I will not let my past ruin my future..
I know this is tough, I know moving on takes time to heal. I know that he still misses her at some time even though he doesn't tell me, because I know I cannot beat 8 years, I know that.. But because I love him, I accepted it until I confronted him about it..
June 02 2014, same week last year when he left me.. Who would probably forget the time when you lost your love? It's already one year when my life starts fading, the colors in my life starts to gray, the most painful I've encountered.. Being compared. I still remember those days, it was remarkable. Then he came back, yes, it was my birthday. I'm so happy because he came back, because he loved me again. But those days I already felt that he still doesn't forget her. I didn't tell him because I know it's true. And now, it did happened again.. I started to hate myself, why does my love always leave me?..
I let him go, it hurts yes but I must let him. I can't stop crying even in my office, I just really can't.. I always pray for his happiness, I hope he finds his way, his real happiness, the Prince I know, his real him and I'll be okay on that. They say everything is not permanent, you just have to love it no matter what, take care of it, fight for it and accept it so that it will be yours, forever.. But..
I guess it will be the end of us, he didn't chose me. Yes, "Love is a choice", and then I realized.. He didn't chose me the 3rd time..
A fear of Lies
"LIES."
I've never thought of having such an unforgettable moment this Sunday. I woke up in the morning, 9:23am. I was very happy to greet my boyfriend in a simple text. That day, I know it's Mr. and Ms. Sportsfest of MRH and LRH but I'm expecting that we will be having a great time in SM even though they have an event in school. But, it didn't happened...
It's already 10:53am when I texted him again to woke up. After 7 minutes of waiting, he replied and greeted me a good morning. He also invited me to go to the sportsfest, I have no choice but to say yes not because It's automatic that I must go, but because I want to be with him. So I asked him if he's already preparing because I know that sportfest is 7:30am up to lunch time only. He said that he is already preparing and ready to have a bath. So I've started to heat my water and give him time to prepare because I know that he's too slow and probably I'll wait him again in front of their dorm. Honestly, It only took me less than 20 minutes in the bathroom because I know that we only have less than an hour to go to the sportsfest. After a while, he texted me that the sportsfest is almost done. But after I read his message, I've realized that for the first time he only took 20 minutes to prepare. So I asked him where he was, he replied that he's already in the venue with his friends. I was SHOCKED.
I replied him because it's really impossible to have 20 minutes to have a shower, wear clothes and go quickly to the venue. Even though I'm telling to myself that "Be Optimistic!", I can't answer my question HOW IT HAPPENED...?
Then I started to ask him so many questions already to figure it out. But sadly, he misunderstood me.. (as always, everytime I asked him). So I grabbed the mistakes, and I tried to understand him. But suddenly, he told me the truth... He's already done preparing everything before he greeted me a good morning, and for that 20 minutes that I'm thinking about, he went to the sportsfest already. It's really hard for me to accept it. I don't want him to know my feelings, because I know in the end, my feelings are useless.. my tears.. my effort.. and my expectations...
A feeling of Unlucky..
Thursday, November 24 | 0 comments
"Pain between me and my brother"
It was 7:30pm when we went to Mcdo to have our dinner, it was so cold and dark outside the house. While walking to go home, my brother told me about his allowance that it must be P8k because I didn't gave his P500 this month (for the reason that, I forgot that our rental was increased by P1,500.00 so I decided to get 500 from his allowance, my allowance and our budget for grocery). I told him that before and he didn't react so I thought he agreed about my decision. Then after telling me about the 8k, I asked him if he don't want to donate his 500 to the rental. He replied, "No! It's your fault... You forgot it so don't get my money". I didn't replied him...
When we got home, he keeps talking and talking that it's all my fault. I was too disappointed because I know that I told him about that before and he didn't disagreed, so I kept singing and pretending that I don't listen to him. Then he totally got mad, he slapped me, he punched me, and he slapped me over and over again. Until he stopped and say something against me, he also started to shout. He told me that, "I'll tell mom that you spend all our money without listing it and without my permission, I'll also tell mom that you are flirty and you also slept with someone! Next month, give me all the money and I'll do what is right, not like you! If I'm the one who's in charge with that money, maybe we already have too much money right now! oh? why you're not answering me?!". I want to cry that time, but I must not.. So I answered him, "I have no time to argue with you...", then he keeps on yelling at me.
I was thinking that time that, am I lucky to have a brother like him? or will I be a good wife in my future husband if I kept his advice? Because next year, I'll be a graduating student. Thinking that, my brother is more mature than what I am right now. I remembered that when we were in Saudi Arabia, my brother is brutal than what I did to him. He's punching me, slapping me, pulling my hair too hard. Even though I'm already crying in front of him, he's still not satisfied of what he was doing. I almost got 3-5 bruises in all of my body, he's also punching me near my breast, wishing that there's no "breast cancer" soon... I feel sorry for myself having those experience. And I don't know whom I can cry on, lean on, and tell them that I'm so hopeless in my life, especially when me and boyfriend having a quarrel.
I'll just thank God for having me a 3 meals a day. =\
2nd Post
Saturday, November 19 | 0 comments
I'm 80% done in my page.!
I hope that this would be my last blog with full of memories..
gonna start my blog tomorrow! :D
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